Why I Really Came Here.

Like most people coming to live in another counrtry, I, too, am running away: a confession I'm not ashamed to admit.  Some people think they're running towards the country.  Towards the parties, culture, or family.  But doesn't running towards something inherently mean you're leaving something behind? 

Don't get me wrong, my life back home is nothing to scoff at.  I have a loving and supportive family, close knit friends, a fairly sucessful academic career at a prestigious university and an adoring boyfriend.  It is generally assumed that adding these things together equals a happy life, and I'm no exception but, a happy life doesn't necessarily equal a happy person.

For the last few years I suffered with crippling insecurity.  I put my self-worth in superficial things.  My success was measured by a means so ridiculous I can't bring myself to mention it here.  (Not yet at least).  All of this meant my life back in California crumbled.  I watched as it fell to the ground and scatter around my feet.  I stretched myself far too thin.  I was working not one, but two jobs I came to resent.  I was pouring myself into my writing and other work all while grasping at the few flailing relationships I had left.  All in all, at the end of my sophomore year, I was one hot mess. 

Through the summer I tried to reconstruct myself.  I focused on very little other than my job, reading and writing.  At times things seemed to get even worse.  I was away from my support group.  Namely, I was away from Matthew (the adoring boyfriend as mentioned above).  It was like, as soon as I began to pick up the pieces of my disintigrating self-esteem, something as minuscule a gust of wind would come and level it again.  I was having a hard time thinking of the next day, let alone trying to rationalize a move to Italy. 

But the day of my flight came and went and before I realized it, I was being shoved into a taxi with a man who resembled Nintendo's Mario.  (Apologies for the stereotype, but it's the most accurate way I can describe this man).  So here I am.  A run away.  Along with hundreds of other students who also ran away whether they know it or not.  But now that I'm here, things are going to change. 

I could make this blog very generic; simply listing my activities and boasting of how many shots I can take before some skeazy native cops a feel.  But I won't.  From this moment on, this blog is not just a normal blog.  It's a sanctuary.  I honestly have no idea who reads it and I don't believe one can write only for themselves.  So I'm writing this for you.  You who question your place in the world.  You who sometimes feel darkness swirling around you, encapsilating your life.  You who wonder, when you look back on your life will you like what you see? You who are struggling with self-acceptance, let alone self-love.  This is for you, ragazzi.