Questa Settimana

This week was one of those that just eats away at you until you become nothing more than a sniveling little shallow puddle of a person.  AKA this week was midterms.  I've now gone through five semesters worth of midterms, and I can safely say these were the worst.  Rather, I've never been so glad to be done with midterms in my life.  Ever.  I have never studied so hard for tests ever.  It's not that these classes are even particularly hard.  There's just so much busy work.  It's like they know if we don't have homework we'll start drinking at 9 a.m. just to kill the time here. So they pile that shit on.  What they don't understand is that meaningless work makes us want to drink.  Nay, need to drink.  It's absurd how much reading I've had to do.  But I'm not complaining.  To put into perspective, I remind myself that the room I'm doing this reading from has a view of the Duomo.

I should stop right here to inform you all that I do not always have this sunny of an outlook.  Oh no.  This week I've been more than a sniveling little shallow puddle of a person.  I've been a catty, negative and moody stench walking this earth.  When time gets tough I tend to shut myself down.  All the progress I made in my journey of self-discovery, and dear I say "self-love",  completely shattered this week.  I feel myself slipping into my old ways and grasping for anyone or anything to grab my hand and pull me to safety.  The fact is, there won't always be someone there to grab my hand.  I need to be able to pull myself out of the quicksand.  This is what I've been attempting to do this entire trip.

I came here in a fairly low state as a human being and while I have good days, recently it was pretty bad.  I was constantly deflating myself, always berating my work, dogging on myself for every imperfection I saw, etc. etc.  Usually this never reaches beyond the realms of my own self-worth, but this last week got really rough.  I started to internally berate everyone else I know.  Everything everyone did was wrong, annoying and stupid.  It takes a lot for me to lash out at a person, so thankfully there were never any blow-ups, but that doesn't mean the internal dialogue isn't just as frustrating.  In fact it may even be more so.  I have this tendency to keep things inside of me.  Things that I find annoying or rude or even disrespectful.  Then finally when I can't take the inner voices anymore, I started bitching about them constantly.  Mainly to my incredibly patient boyfriend.  I always think this will make it better.  I'll just vomit it out to him, and it'll go away.  The exact opposite happens.  Talking about it all just makes me more and more furious with the situation.  But will I ever confront what I'm upset about?  No.

This goes across the board with all people.  For reasons from my past, (which I will spare you from hearing), I cannot bring myself to confront people.  This allows people to take advantage of me, use me, and keep me in a very submissive position in the relationship.  And this needs to change, now.  I can no longer be the meak girl I was in high school.  Hollywood is vicious.  And while my skin is thick, my tongue isn't.  If I continue my life this way, I will always be in a state of anger.  A state of "what-ifs" and "I-should-haves".  But worst of all I will be in a state of harsh judgment and thus a state of loneliness.  I don't want to be in this state anymore.